I have patience, extractions from emotionally focused therapy and nonviolent communication to tell you this.

Let’s first agree that we use communication to EXPLAIN to another person how we feel, not to persuade them to do what we need them to do.

Feel the difference?

This “I DIDN’T AGREE” often appears in the second version, when you want to press, when it seems: now I will find the right words / emotions / gestures / timbre and I can convince him to understand exactly what I mean.

I can say: I’m tired and I’m having a hard time now (option 1)

Or I can say: You HAVE to understand me. You HAVE to understand how difficult it is for me (option 2)

In the first version, we just share with another person their feelings and emotions, in the second version, it sounds like a call to action – “I’m sick! Do something about it. ”

You can of course object and say: This is a close person and we want support from her, isn’t that right?

And I will certainly say that this is correct. We create a close circle and emotional attachment just to feel more secure and safe.

But if with the help of communication you can not convey to your partner your condition and your needs, then the problem here is not in communication and not in the fact that you need to say “louder”, “clearer”, “more”. The problem here is in the relationship itself, namely as a contact.

A person may not understand my need, that is, in fact not read the message that I signal to her. Maybe she is not familiar with my experiences, and maybe she is not interested in getting involved emotionally. – and here again the question of the quality of communication, Because if I give the communication an emotional resource, and my partner – no, then WTF and what are we doing here?

If I sit down, sit down, sit down, then instead of emotional inclusion I will get emotional disconnection. By forcing my opinion on my partner, I can get the “Good” said through my teeth. Well, like, the goal has been achieved, but somehow not so much, because he didn’t really understand anything, I just fucked him like that woodpecker.


The partner may withdraw from us in moments of uncontrolled emotional loading. He can do this for several reasons:

– He may feel bad or not good enough for you if we are constantly dissatisfied. Then he has an inner feeling: “I can’t make her happy, she constantly complains. She’s bad with me. “

– He may have the same need as you. And when you talk about it, it deepens his own gaps. The partner cannot fill us in the place where he feels the need.

– He may understand your words, but not understand your condition. Understand how you feel, but do not understand what to do with it. Understand the reasons, but do not know how to solve them. Have your own view of the problem, but you do not let him speak. – Lack of sincere communication on both sides, the desire to “be right” and crush your partner’s opinion do not allow to understand each other on an emotional and verbal level. You need to be partners interested in coming to a common decision. However, most people behave like competitors, where only one person can be right :)))

I had another moment that one of the partners does not get involved in the conflict and the other partner reads it as indifference. Very often – to bring a loved one to strong emotions = to test that we are not indifferent to her. This is a destructive and doverbal scheme, when we do not use words for their intended purpose to awaken certain moments, but use them as a means of influence.

In that case, would I look at how I can show indifference differently? Do I express to my partner that he is valuable to me. Does he do it for me? Because it is the basis of safe contact and the ground for the actual non-violent communication, where we can talk to each other without using manipulation to achieve the “result”

And the result is not to convince, but to share. To be heard, not to be right. Well, you got it.

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